Life in the Field Jokes

The refinery turnaround went so well that on day three the crew did exactly what the name says.

The per diem rate has the same problem as a worn probe.

The safety coordinator said I needed a hot work permit before I could use the grinder.

I've figured out why it's called the graveyard shift.

Our rope access crew has outstanding morale.

The confined space attendant takes her job seriously.

Wind turbine technicians never complain about the job.

The aircraft inspector checked every lockwire on the engine twice.

Rail inspectors never get lost.

The ship's inspector said the ballast tank inspection was going badly.

Bridge inspectors are the only people who never burn bridges.

The best-informed member of any pipeline crew is the pig.

The machinist said the new fixture was a perfect fit.

Nuclear plant outage crews have a special kind of job security.

Site orientation is a lot like a movie premiere.

The pipeline crew says they run like a well-oiled machine.

The forecast said the rain would clear by Monday.

Why did the technician pack a gallon of couplant for a two-hour job?

What's the busiest thing on a shutdown?

Why do inspectors always end up in the room next to the ice machine?

How does an inspector stay warm on a January pipe rack?

Why was the technician late to the safety meeting?

What's an inspector's favorite kind of weather?

What do you call a scaffold without a tag?

What did the hi-rail truck say to the technician after fourteen hours?

Why does every tool at the top of the stack have a lanyard?

What's the only instrument in the truck that's always within tolerance?

Why did the wind technician bring a spare checklist to the top of the tower?

What's the difference between a pipeline job and a marathon?

Why did the aircraft inspector refuse the coffee in the hangar?

What did the dry dock say to the ship?

Why does the rail inspector measure everything?

What did the dosimeter say to the inspector at the end of the shift?

What did the casting say to the inspector?

What's the most dangerous question in NDT?

What does ASAP stand for during a shutdown?

Who has the hardest job in a pre-job meeting?

What does everyone on site hear when an inspector says 'relevant indication'?

Every under-bridge inspection truck is available all year, except the week of the inspection.

The fastest-moving item on any turnaround is the doughnut box.

Hangar night shift: bright lights, spotless floors, and a vending machine that's still empty.

I've been on the road so long that my truck's check engine light and I are both pretending everything is fine.

Safety is the only department that celebrates when nothing happens.

The best part of any confined space is the exit.

I carry three flashlights: one to see with, one for backup, and one to find the first two.

Outage PPE: three layers of everything, and the size is always 'one size fits nobody.'

A refinery turnaround is a month of careful planning, and the weather gets a vote in the first six hours.

At a nuclear outage, the dose is tracked to a thousandth of a rem, and the foreign material log knows where every pencil has been.

Pipeline crews measure distance in joints, time in dig days, and morale in ice.

The wind is calm at the ground and has a lot of opinions at the top.

Shipboard inspection: where every hatch is exactly the wrong size for the instrument case.

In a rail yard, the track you need to inspect is always the busiest one.

On a bridge, everyone else is on top of the problem. The inspector is under it.

In aerospace inspection, 'It's just a scratch' is how a good measurement begins.

Nothing builds a team like a long night shift and one working microwave.

'Simple job' is the technical term for 'nobody has looked at it yet.'

In the shop, the weather is a constant. In the field, it's a variable.

The best part of a turnaround is the day the scaffold comes down and the plant starts up.

You might be an NDT technician if your idea of a vacation is a project with no night shift.

You might be an inspector if you judge every scaffold by its tag before you judge it by its view.

You might be a field technician if your truck holds more couplant than your kitchen holds groceries.

You might be on a shutdown if you know every vending machine in the plant by its worst snack.

You might be a traveling technician if you can find the nearest laundromat faster than the nearest grocery store.

You might be an NDT technician if you've been too hot on a tank roof at noon and too cold in the same tank at midnight.

You might be a night shift technician if breakfast is dinner and dinner is a vending machine.

You might be a rope access technician if 'hanging out with coworkers' is a safety requirement.

You might be a manufacturing inspector if you can tell a shift change by the sound of the forklifts and the smell of coolant.

You might be a turnaround veteran if you say 'scope growth' in the same tone as 'rain delay.'

You might be a wind technician if you check the forecast for the climb and the schedule for the weather.

You might be a pipeline inspector if your office is a tailgate and your meeting room is a ditch.

You might be a rail inspector if you can tell a yard's mood by how many boxcars are parked on the wrong track.

You might be a shipyard inspector if you've ever said 'it's right through that hatch' without being able to find the hatch.

You might be an outage technician if you know your dosimeter better than your phone.

You might be an inspector if 'by end of day' makes you ask whose day and which time zone.

At 2 a.m. on a refinery turnaround, the crew lead asked how the Magnetic Particle Testing was going. 'Third weld of forty,' I said. Then the crew lead asked what day it was. Neither of us knew, so we settled on 'night shift.'

I asked the motel clerk for a room away from the ice machine. She checked the screen and said, 'Good news, I have one nowhere near it.' It was right above the ballroom, where a wedding was just getting started.

A rope access technician hung a hundred and fifty feet up, taking a thickness reading. The radio crackled: 'Hey, quick question.' He said, 'I'm in the middle of something, literally.' The voice said, 'No problem, I'll wait.' He waited twenty minutes. Then he got the question. It was about lunch.

I climbed out of the tank, tired and proud. The attendant asked, 'Did you find anything?' 'Mostly my lost sense of direction,' I said. He handed me the permit for the next tank. 'You've got four more.'

A technician reported a missing wrench at the end of a hangar shift. All work stopped. Forty people searched every compartment for two hours. It was in his hip pocket. Nobody ever lost that wrench again, because nobody let him forget it.

The excavator dug all morning to expose joint 41. The inspector climbed into the ditch, brushed off the pipe, and read the stamp: joint 14. 'Good news,' said the crew lead. 'We're way ahead on joint 14.'

The wind technician spent forty minutes climbing, three hours inspecting the blade, and forty minutes coming down. Her manager asked how the day went. 'Productive,' she said. 'The paperwork will take two days.'

Aboard the ship, the inspector asked where the next tank was. The first mate pointed at a hatch the size of a pizza box. 'Through there,' he said. 'It's always through there.' The inspector spent the next hour learning which of his tools were truly necessary.

The new technician packed for her first outage: hard hat, safety glasses, gloves, harness, flashlight and three pens. The Level III checked the list and nodded. 'Perfect. Now add ten more pens.'

The track inspection crew arrived at the yard at dawn. The dispatcher said, 'The track will be free as soon as this freight clears.' Four hours later, a second freight came through. The crew learned that in rail, the train sets the schedule and takes no requests.

On the underside of the bridge, the inspector found the best view in town: the river below, the traffic above, and a family of pigeons who had clearly filed no permits. He logged them as 'existing conditions.'

The site's safety lead finished orientation and asked for questions. The new technician raised his hand. 'Where's the nearest muster point?' She handed him a gold star for his hard hat.

The night crew finished the last tank at dawn. As they walked to the truck, the sun came up, the day crew arrived, and the client's manager waved. 'Great timing,' she said. 'The coffee just got here.'

At the power plant, I spent three hours finding the right gate, an hour at security and six hours on the inspection. My boss asked if I had any recommendations. 'Yes,' I said. 'A map.'

The client asked how long the inspection would take. 'Three weeks,' we said, 'weather permitting.' He looked out at the rain. 'So, how long?'

Per Diem (n.): A daily meal allowance, and the reason every technician knows the best diner within ten miles.

Area Release (n.): Official word that the hazards have checked out, so you can check in.

Standby (n.): Paid waiting, during which the technician's most-used instrument is the clock.

Hot Work Permit (n.): The one piece of paper on site that can tell the schedule 'not yet' and be right.

Turnaround (n.): A scheduled shutdown during which the plant stands still so that everyone else can run around.

Tailgate Meeting (n.): A safety discussion held in a parking lot, where the first hazard is usually the weather.

Graveyard Shift (n.): The hours between midnight and dawn, when the thing most likely to go out of tolerance is you.

First Article (n.): The one part inspected as if the whole order depends on it, because it does.

Shutdown (n.): A short word for a long schedule.

Pre-Job Meeting (n.): A gathering in which everyone learns where the muster point is.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Per diem.
Per diem who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Permit.
Permit who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Overtime.
Overtime who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Scaffold.
Scaffold who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Crew.
Crew who?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwell.
Dwell who?

There once was a tech at the gate
Who was happy to stand by and wait.
When the gas test read clear
He gave a small cheer,
Since 'clear' is his favorite state.

Cold wind on the roof
Couplant thick as winter mud
Coffee, please, hurry

Night shift, vending light
Dinner is a bag of chips
Sunrise brings the boss

A rope access tech named Lee
Hung high where the wind blew free.
Said the boss, 'Look down!'
He replied with a frown,
'I'll look when my scan's done, see?'

Motel ice machine
Rattles like a bad cable
Sleep? Not in this room

Confined space entry
Gas test clear, attendant set
My flashlight goes first

Blade against the sky
Cold hands, a long climb, one scan
The wind says hurry

The forecast said sunny and clear,
So the crew showed up early, with cheer.
By ten it was raining,
The crew, uncomplaining,
Brought umbrellas to work the next year.

Scaffold is not up
The plan says Monday at nine
Rain has other plans

Rain begins at noon
The schedule moves one more day
Coffee holds the line

Are you a scaffold tag? Because I wouldn't go anywhere without your approval.

Are you a borescope? Because you light up even the darkest corners of my engine.

Are you a nacelle? Because you're way up there, and I'd climb all day to see you.

Are you a bridge bearing? Because you carry the whole load and never complain.

Are you a gas test? Because I always check with you before I go anywhere.

Ever notice the coffee pot is the first thing on site and the last thing to demobilize?

Nobody warns you that after six weeks on the road, your own bed starts to feel like a motel.

Ever notice the vending machine in a plant always stocks everything except what you want?

Nobody warns you that in aerospace inspection, the smallest mirror in the drawer shows the biggest picture.

Ever notice the wind farm is perfectly calm the day before the job and the day after?

Nobody warns you that the hard hat you were issued is somehow both too tight and too loose.

Ever notice the more remote the job site, the more detailed the safety orientation and the fewer places there are to sit?

Ever notice the bridge inspector's truck is always parked half a mile from the one bolt that needs checking?

Ever notice that on a ship, the one cable you need is always at the other end of the vessel?

Ever notice that 'It's a simple job' is only ever said before the job starts?

How long is a refinery turnaround?

A work permit is valid for one shift, and the job needs a shift and a half.

You might be a refinery inspector if you own more helmet stickers than business cards.

The inspector arrived to inspect the storage tank floor. 'It's under a million gallons of crude,' said the operator. 'Then I'll need a million gallons less crude,' said the inspector, 'and about three weeks.'

Turnaround (n.): A month of planned work that begins with a vessel full of surprises.

Ever notice that 'ready for inspection' is the only sentence in the plant that gets more true with every valve closed?

Nobody warns you that the weld you need to inspect is always at the top of the tallest tower, and the elevator is always 'being repaired next week.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Turnaround.
Turnaround who?

The plant manager asked how long a heat exchanger bundle would take. The inspector pulled it, cleaned it, tested every tube and wrote the report. 'Great,' said the manager. 'And the other twelve?' 'Same,' said the inspector. 'Twelve times.' The manager did the math and quietly sat down.

Ever notice that operations measures a thin spot in mils and maintenance measures it in weekends?

How long is a refueling outage?

You might be an outage inspector if you've planned your whole week around a four-hour window that opens when someone else finishes.

The outage manager asked how long the weld inspection would take. 'Two hours,' said the inspector. The manager wrote two hours, then added the walk to the weld, the permit and the scaffold. 'Four hours,' he said. 'Now it's accurate.'

At the pre-job briefing, the inspector asked for the dose estimate. 'Plan for fifty minutes in the area,' she said, 'forty to inspect and ten to double-check.' The planner wrote fifty and underlined it. 'Now that's an estimate I can plan around.'

An outage ran ten days of work, / With no tube or form left to shirk. / Each reading was logged, / Each doubt was unclogged, / And the plant came back up with a smirk.

Outage (n.): The only time a power plant is happy to be producing nothing.

Refueling Floor (n.): The one place in the plant where everyone talks quietly, walks slowly, and still runs out of time.

Nobody warns you that the outage badge office has a longer line than the plant has pipes.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Outage.
Outage who?

The best thing about a long shift is the thermos that still has coffee in it.

What is the most common thing found on a foreign object debris walk?

What does an inspector get for finding a crack on the last day of a heavy check?

Foreign Object Debris (n.): Anything on the hangar floor that wasn't there the last time the inspector looked.

Heavy Check (n.): An inspection so thorough that the airplane gets to see parts of itself it has never seen.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fastener.
Fastener who?

How do you measure a pipeline inspector's career?

The dig crew worked all day and finally got to the bottom of it.

A pipeline career is full of ups and downs, mostly depending on the ditch.

A pipeline job has three speeds: waiting for the weld, waiting for the weather, and waiting for the next crew.

The right-of-way is wide enough for a pipeline, three trucks, and an argument about where the fourth truck should park.

Mud is the only thing on a pipeline job that arrives early, stays late, and ends up in every report.

You might be a pipeline inspector if your truck has more mud inside than outside.

You might work on pipelines if you know the mile marker for every gas station with good coffee.

The crew waited two hours for the weld to cool. The inspector checked it, accepted it, and marked it. The crew lead asked about the next weld. 'It's in the next section,' said the inspector, 'on the other side of the creek.' Everyone looked at the creek. The creek did not move.

On day one the plan showed paved access to every weld. By day three the road was a ditch, the ditch was a creek, and the creek was the only way to the next site. The inspector sent a photo with one line: 'Found the paved access. It's under there.'

Mud up to the axle.
The next weld is ten miles on.
The coffee runs out.

Right-of-Way (n.): The narrow strip of land where everything must fit, including the truck, the pipe, and the plan.

Weather Window (n.): A short period of acceptable conditions, always one hour shorter than the weld.

Ever notice that the pipe is always longer than the road to it?

Nobody warns you that the closest motel to the right-of-way is always 'fifty minutes from here,' no matter where you are.

The pipeline inspector always walks the line. Mostly because the truck got stuck.

Why do ship inspectors love dry dock?

What is the biggest thing in a ship's void space?

Submarine hull inspectors really dive into the details.

In a ballast tank you have to keep a level head. The tank rarely does.

The dry dock schedule keeps floating. The ship never does.

Coating, scaffolds, and cable: the three things standing between an inspector and the weld.

You might be a shipyard inspector if you know which ladder leads to the weld and which one leads to a long walk back.

The ship was due to leave dry dock Monday. By Friday the inspector found a weld that needed repair. 'How long?' asked the project manager. 'A day to repair, a day to cool, and a day to re-inspect.' The project manager nodded. 'The ship has waited longer for a tide.'

Flashlight in the void.
The hull plates stretch out like days.
The ladder is far.

Void Space (n.): A compartment that is empty by name and full of inspection by nature.

Dry Dock (n.): Where a ship goes to find out what the water has been saying about it.

Ever notice that the scaffolding in a tank is always built just short of the weld you need?

Nobody warns you that on a ship every direction is forward, aft, port, starboard, up, down, or 'ask the person who works here.'

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hull.
Hull who?

What is a bridge inspector's favorite lane closure?

You might be a bridge inspector if you know what the underside of every overpass in the county looks like, but not one exit number.

Nobody warns you that the one page the wind takes off the bridge is always the signed one.

Ever notice that bridge inspection is the only job where the forecast is part of the scope?

The bridge inspector refused to join the committee. He said he already does enough pier review.

What is the most unreliable part of any wind farm job?

The nacelle is the only office where the view is spectacular and the commute is three hundred feet straight up.

You might be a wind technician if you rate every sunrise by how many miles per hour it brought with it.

Weather Window (n.): A brief period of acceptable wind, announced just after the crew has left.

Cold wind, long ladder
One rung, then another rung
The nacelle waits there

What takes longer than a full inspection on a production floor?

What does a hi-rail inspector have in common with a train?

Rail work is the only job where the best view for eleven hours is the same two lines.

You might be a rail inspector if you can tell what time it is by the sound of the freight train, and which train it is by how long you've been waiting.

You might be a rail inspector if you pack your lunch for the work window and eat it in the last few minutes of the work window.

The railroad granted the inspection crew a four-hour track window. They set up, got on the rail, and began. At minute 200 the dispatcher radioed: 'Good news, you've got five extra minutes.' The crew lead asked, 'What do we do with five minutes?' 'Same as always,' said the dispatcher. 'Clear the track.'

A rail inspector drove forty miles on hi-rail to check one reported crack. She found it, measured it, wrote it up, and drove forty miles back. Her supervisor asked how it went. 'Smallest crack, longest drive,' she said. 'It all comes out evenly on the report: one line.'

Ever notice the sound of the train you're waiting for is always the sound of a different train?

Track Window (n.): A scheduled block of time on the rail, minus the time it takes to get there, set up, wait, and leave.

Sunrise on the rail
Cold steel hums a freight train's song
Window now open

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ballast.
Ballast who?

Are you a mile marker? Because every time I see you, I know I'm on the right track.

The rail inspector never worries about job security. He says it has deep roots and plenty of ties.

Every kickoff meeting in January starts by breaking the ice. Ours was on the walkway.

How much daylight does a winter inspection crew get?

Winter inspection is mostly a search for the one finger that still works.

You might be a winter inspector if you have ever kept a bottle of couplant inside your coat to keep it from freezing.

The crew lined up the instruments next to the heater so the batteries would last. By lunch the instruments had the best seats in the shack, and the crew was standing outside holding the clipboard. Nobody complained. The instruments had been tested more thoroughly than anyone else on the job.

Frost on the scaffold,
hand warmers in every glove,
coffee turns to ice.

Nobody warns you that safety glasses fog up the moment you lean over the one weld you need to see.

Ever notice that short winter days mean you start in the dark, finish in the dark, and the weld you needed is at noon?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Frost.
Frost who?

I tried to keep my cool next to the 300 °F pipe. The thermometer suggested I keep my distance.

Sunscreen is just surface preparation for people.

What's the best-attended item on a July job schedule?

You might be a summer inspector if you have ever scheduled a scan around the shadow of a tank.

The crew found the only shade on the site, behind a storage tank. Then the sun moved, and the shade moved with it. By four o'clock they had followed it forty feet across the yard and scanned nothing. They all agreed it was the most productive shade tracking in the history of the site.

Noon sun on the tank,
the couplant is running off.
So is my patience.

Hydration Break (n.): A scheduled pause, and the only item on the schedule the crew has ever finished ahead of time.

Nobody warns you that a helmet is a personal greenhouse by noon.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Ice.
Ice who?

Why did the inspector grab a free pen at every booth on Tuesday?

What is the first rule of trade show swag?

The conference hotel has three kinds of coffee: weak, weaker, and the sample from booth 214.

Lena spent Monday visiting booths, and every one scanned her badge and promised a follow-up. By Friday she had forty-one emails, one pen that worked, and a calendar invite from a company she could not remember visiting. She accepted it anyway. It turned out to be the best demo of the year.

A pen from booth nine
writes for exactly one page
then retires in peace.

Nobody warns you that the booth you wanted to visit has the longest line, and the one you didn't has the best snacks.

Ever notice that the best conversation at a conference happens in the hallway, ten feet from the session you paid to attend?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Badge.
Badge who?

At a turnaround the unit is down, but the pressure is definitely up.

The turnaround scope was frozen on Monday. By Wednesday it had thawed, grown, and added an exchanger.

What is the most important tool at a turnaround?

By day twenty-six of a turnaround, everyone can recite the vessel tag numbers in their sleep.

You might be a turnaround inspector if you have ever said 'See you in thirty days' to your family and meant it.

The scheduler asked when the vessel would be done. 'When the scaffold is up,' said the inspector. The scaffold lead said, 'When the isolation is verified.' The operator said, 'When the gas test is clear.' The gas tester held up the meter.

Vessel opened wide,
scaffold goes up, permit signed,
clock keeps ticking on.

Turnaround (n.): A planned shutdown in which a refinery opens everything, looks inside, and finds out what the last one was hinting at.

Nobody warns you that at a turnaround, 'one more exchanger' means eleven more exchangers.

Knock knock. / Who's there? / Manway. / Manway who?

An outage is a power plant's way of saying 'We're out, but you're in.'

What is an outage with perfect weather?

How many hours are in an outage day?

Why do outage workers read the radiation work permit so carefully?

In an outage, everything is measured in hours: the work, the dose, the schedule, and the line for the break room.

You might be an outage inspector if you know what time it is by which pre-job briefing you are attending.

Outage clock ticks on,
tubes passed, forms signed, doses logged,
day twelve of twenty.

Critical Path (n.): The chain of jobs that can't slip, and the one the inspection always lands on.

Nobody warns you that an outage is long enough to learn every name in the plant and short enough to forget them all before the next one.

Ever notice that the most precise thing on a job is the micrometer and the least precise is the weather forecast?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Outage.
Outage who?

The last shift before the break is the only time 'wrap it up' is both an instruction and a decoration.

Why did the crew love the snow day?

The last shift before the break has one rule: nothing new starts and nothing old gets finished.

Snow on the scaffold,
last report signed, truck warmed up.
Break begins at last.

Ever notice that the week before the break is when every schedule discovers it's full?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Snow.
Snow who?

The first thing removed in a heavy check is the interior. The second is the guesswork.

You might be an aerospace inspector if...

Before the wing was closed up, the inspector counted her tools out loud. 'Twelve,' she said. Then she counted again. The crew chief asked why. 'The wing closes in an hour,' she said, 'and the tool count is the one number nobody negotiates.' The crew chief nodded and started counting his own pockets.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hangar.
Hangar who?

The undocking date arrived with inspection items still open.

A dry dock is the one place where the ship is on dry land, the crew is deep in a tank, and the tide still keeps perfect time.

You might be a ship inspector if...

The ship sat in dry dock, quite dry,
While inspectors checked low and checked high.
They said, 'All is fine!'
Then the date drew its line:
'Undocking is Monday. Goodbye.'

Dry Dock (n.): A place where the ship finally holds still and everyone else finally doesn't.

Ever notice that the tank you need to inspect first is always the one underneath every other tank you need to inspect?

Ever notice that a ship looks small from the pier and enormous once you're inside its tanks with a gauge and a deadline?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hull.
Hull who?

After three days of rain, the spread crawled through the right-of-way.

What's the longest thing on a pipeline job?

Pipeline season is three months of mud, three months of dust, and one nice afternoon that everyone takes credit for.

You might be a pipeline inspector if...

Mud up to the knee,
the spread moves a mile today.
Tomorrow: rain, too.

Right-of-Way (n.): The land a pipeline crosses, and what mud has over everything on it.

Weather Day (n.): A day when the welding spread is paid to watch the sky, and the inspector is paid to watch the spread watch the sky.

Nobody warns you that the longest part of pipeline construction is the three hours before the first weld, when everyone is waiting on one truck.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Weld.
Weld who?

Why do bridge inspectors never get lonely?

Bridge inspection season has two forecasts: sunny and windy, and sunny and windier.

The lane closure lasts exactly as long as the inspection needs and exactly as long as the permit allows, and the two numbers have never met.

You might be a bridge inspector if...

Lane Closure (n.): A traffic restriction that gives the inspector eight hours and gives every driver eight opinions.

Ever notice that the wind on a bridge deck is always twice the forecast and aimed directly at your paperwork?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Girder.
Girder who?

Low-wind season is when the turbines finally get a rest.

Why did the inspector bring a book to the weather window?

A weather window is the gap between 'too windy to climb' and 'too late to start.'

You might be a wind inspector if...

The inspector reached the top of the tower after a long climb, caught her breath, and opened the hatch to the nacelle. 'Everything okay up there?' the radio asked. 'Great view,' she said. 'And I forgot my torque wrench.' There was a pause. 'I have one,' the radio said. 'It's in my truck.'

Towers stand so still.
Seven calm days, and then wind
the hour we begin.

Weather Window (n.): A short stretch of good weather, scheduled around the crew's availability, which has not read the schedule.

Rope Access (n.): A method of reaching the blade in which the inspector hangs around and the wind hangs on.

Ever notice that the wind dies down the day after the crew leaves site?

Nobody warns you that the view from the top of a turbine is spectacular, and that you get about nine seconds to enjoy it before the next task.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Tower.
Tower who?

Rail flaw detection is a job that takes you places.

Why did the rail inspector refuse to take a shortcut?

A rail inspector's day ends when the last train has passed, and the train decides when that is.

You might be a rail inspector if...

The inspector got a four-hour track window and rode the hi-rail truck out to mile marker 112. Setup took an hour. The first mile took another. By the third hour the dispatcher said a freight train was due. 'How much did you cover?' he asked. 'Eleven miles,' she said, 'and one rail that needs a second look.' She cleared the track with ten minutes to spare. The train was an hour late anyway.

Mile marker one-ten.
Flaw marked, window closing fast.
Train horn: time to clear.

Track Window (n.): A block of time on the railroad that the schedule gives, the dispatcher shortens, and the inspector spends racing.

Ever notice that the train running late is always the one that shows up early when your window is closing?

Nobody warns you that the longest part of a rail inspection day is the drive just to reach the track.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Rail.
Rail who?

What's the fastest thing on the production line in December?

At year-end the production schedule has two settings: 'busy' and 'busier, with doughnuts.'

You might be a manufacturing inspector if...

The line manager stopped by the inspector's bench on December 30th. 'Two more pieces,' said the inspector. 'Want to help?' 'Sure,' said the manager, picking up the traveler. Ten minutes later: 'Did I pass?' 'First time,' said the inspector.

Ever notice that the part that fails first-article inspection is always the one the customer is waiting on?

Nobody warns you that the day before the holiday shutdown is the busiest day of the year at the inspection bench.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Quota.
Quota who?

The wedge says 70 degrees, and the weld says, 'Prove it.'

Couplant always runs out at the exact moment you are farthest from the shop.

You might be an Ultrasonic Testing technician if...

You might be an Ultrasonic Testing technician if...

At 3 a.m. on a turnaround I realized I'd been finding indications for two hours that moved whenever I rotated the probe. The wedge was cracked. The only discontinuity on the job was in my equipment.

Ever notice that every Ultrasonic Testing job has exactly one weld you can only reach by lying on your side with the probe in your off hand?

Nobody warns you that Ultrasonic Testing is 5 percent physics and 95 percent finding a flat spot on a part nobody cleaned.

Why do eddy current technicians love heat exchangers?

The inverse square law says doubling your distance quarters the intensity, which is why you stand where the rope says.

Physics doesn't care that the schedule says Friday.

Nobody warns you that the inverse square law also applies to classroom attention, with distance measured in rows.

Ever notice that the source always needs changing on the one weekend you made plans?

Radiographers set the best boundaries. Theirs come with tape, rope, and a survey meter.

Radiographers are the only people who shout 'Radiation!' on a job site and have everyone nearby relieved they said it.

How does a radiographer end an argument?

What does a pipeline crawler say when its radiograph is rejected?

Radiography is the only trade where the best shift starts when everyone else goes home.

Time, distance, and shielding: the three things every radiographer wishes the schedule would respect.

You might be a radiographer if your idea of a perfect night is cold, dark, and nobody within a hundred feet.

You might be a radiographer if your car has a roll of barricade tape in it and your family stopped asking why.

A new technician was told: no light in the darkroom, ever. When the power went out across the building, she was the only one who didn't notice.

At 2 a.m., in the rain, the client's rep asked, 'What's the rope for?' The radiographer said, 'It marks the edge of the radiation boundary.' The rep looked at the rope, then at his truck. He has watched every exposure from the heated cab since, and says the view is better.

Two radiographers argued for an hour about whose turn it was to carry the survey meter. The supervisor finally settled it: 'You both carry one.' They looked down. Both were already wearing one.

Barricade (n.): A rope, some tape, and a surprising amount of authority.

Exposure Time (n.): The only period during which everyone on site becomes a patient person.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wire.
Wire who?

Ever notice it only rains after you've taped the cassette to the pipe?

Nobody warns you that radiographers see the best sunrises, and every one of them is behind a barricade.

Nobody warns you that you spend four hours setting up for a four-minute exposure, and the four minutes are the only part anyone wants to watch.

On night shift, an inspector spent forty minutes chasing an indication that moved every time she wiped the part. It turned out to be a firefly that had wandered into the booth and decided the UV-A lamp was the best party in town.

Nobody warns you that the hardest part of Magnetic Particle Testing is finding a clean part to inspect.

What does a penetrant inspector do during dwell time?

Dwell time is the only time in the shop when 'wait for it' is a quality requirement.

Pre-cleaning is ninety percent of penetrant inspection and a hundred percent of the arguments.

In Penetrant Testing, patience isn't a virtue. It's a minimum dwell time.

You might be a penetrant inspector if you've ever told your kids to let the stain dwell for fifteen minutes before washing.

At minute two, the client leaned in. At minute four, she asked what the penetrant was doing in there. 'Pulling into the crack,' said the inspector. At minute fifteen: 'Okay, now we wipe it off.' The client watched the first bleed-out appear and asked if there was a chair for the next part.

Dwell Time (n.): The penetrant's turn to work, refereed by an inspector with a stopwatch.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwell.
Dwell who?

Dwell time, nothing more.
Red thread blooms on the white coat.
The crack tells its tale.

Nobody warns you that Penetrant Testing is mostly cleaning, a little waiting, and a lot of squinting.

Ever notice that the one stretch of the day you get to sit still is the dwell time, and somebody still hands you a clipboard?

The booth lighting upgrade was a bright idea. The inspectors have never been so enlightened.

How many inspectors does it take to check a weld in a dark tank?

What do you call an inspector who is happy with the lighting?

Why do inspectors carry a small mirror and a magnet?

I have 20/20 vision, but at 3 a.m. my flashlight sees better than I do.

Direct sunlight: the one light source that makes your weld gauge unreadable and your sunburn very readable.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Lumen.
Lumen who?

Ever notice that the weld nobody wants to inspect is always above head height, on the far side, in the rain?

My instrument battery died at the top of the tower. It was a low point at a high altitude.

Running out of couplant is the most slippery slope in the field.

My instrument case was very heavy on the stairs. It really weighed on me.

Why wouldn't the instrument battery go up the scaffold?

What's the heaviest piece of NDT equipment?

The instrument works perfectly in the shop and develops trust issues in the field.

A reference block weighs three pounds in the shop and forty on the third level of scaffold.

You might be an NDT tech if your first question on any scaffold is "How do I get the cart up there?"

The technician was ninety feet up and tied off when the battery warning flashed. She saved her data, climbed down and swapped in the spare. At the bottom she gave the instrument a short lecture about timing. It stayed on the rest of the shift out of respect.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gauge.
Gauge who?

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Battery.
Battery who?

There once was a tech who climbed high
With an instrument under her eye.
When the battery died
At the top, she just sighed
And enjoyed the view and the sky.

Ever notice that instruments never fail at the shop, where there's a spare, only in the field, where there's nobody?

Nobody warns you that you'll spend more time carrying NDT equipment than using it.

Corrosion under insulation is the problem you can't see, but it knows you're coming.

Why did the technician ace the eye exam and still miss the discontinuity?

My eye exam is current, my hours are logged, and my certification card is in my wallet. Naturally, my wallet is in the truck at the other jobsite.

The practice says I need four hundred hours. It doesn't say how many can be spent waiting for the scaffold.

Your certificate says you are qualified. Your knees say you earned it climbing scaffolds.

Pat's logbook had a blank week because the job was rained out. His boss asked what he'd done. 'Watched the weather.' 'You can't log that.' 'Waited on the forecast.' 'Can't log that either.' 'Then I'll log the other thing I did all week,' said Pat. 'Practicing patience. I'm basically a Level III in it.'

Ever notice that the footnote under the acceptance table is the one line that always matters?

Why did the technician buy a waterproof field notebook?

You might be a technician if you've ever written a report on a clipboard on a scaffold in the rain.

You might be an inspector if your favorite pen has its own pocket and its own backup.

Jacket peeled away,
rust has painted the pipe wall.
Gauge comes out to play.

What is a pressure vessel's least favorite day?

You might be a refinery inspector if one pressure vessel's inspection file is thicker than its shell.

A dosimeter is the most loyal coworker you will ever have. It goes everywhere you go and quietly keeps track.

You might work in nuclear if you've signed in, signed out, and signed for the same pencil.

What's the best-reviewed series in the shop?