Civil and Bridges Jokes

Bridge inspectors are the only people who never burn bridges.

Every under-bridge inspection truck is available all year, except the week of the inspection.

On a bridge, everyone else is on top of the problem. The inspector is under it.

I once received a one-line scope of work: 'Inspect the bridge.' It was the longest document I've ever read.

On the underside of the bridge, the inspector found the best view in town: the river below, the traffic above, and a family of pigeons who had clearly filed no permits. He logged them as 'existing conditions.'

Are you a bridge bearing? Because you carry the whole load and never complain.

Ever notice the bridge inspector's truck is always parked half a mile from the one bolt that needs checking?

What kind of music does a chain-drag inspector prefer on a bridge deck?

Why is a fatigue crack the most dedicated employee on the bridge?

What is a bridge inspector's favorite lane closure?

Bridge steel has been carrying trucks since before I was certified and has never once asked for continuing education.

Somewhere under every old bridge is a 1960s weld that would like a word with the current code book.

Bridge inspection report: 300 photos, 40 pages of notes, and one line everyone hopes to read: 'No action required.'

You might be a bridge inspector if you know what the underside of every overpass in the county looks like, but not one exit number.

You might be a bridge inspector if your coffee has a lid, your clipboard has a leash, and your hat has a chin strap.

The county engineer asked how the bridge inspection was going. The inspector arrived with a snooper truck, two flaggers, a lift operator and a six-page traffic plan. 'That's a lot of equipment,' said the engineer. 'Ma'am,' said the inspector, 'on a bridge, this is the light version.'

An inspector found a crack at the end of a cover plate and marked it with a paint pen. Fifteen years later, the next inspector found the faded paint stripe and a crack that had not grown an inch. 'So it's stable,' said the owner. 'That's what the last report said,' said the inspector. 'That's why I'm measuring it again.'

Nobody warns you that the one page the wind takes off the bridge is always the signed one.

Ever notice that bridge inspection is the only job where the forecast is part of the scope?

Ever notice the load rating is the one number everyone remembers, and the inspection behind it is the one thing nobody mentions?

Fracture-Critical Member (n.): A bridge part with no backup plan, which is why the inspector has several.

A bridge inspector named Dwight
Checked a rivet that looked just right.
Then he found, with a sigh,
Forty thousand more nearby,
And he logged them until it was night.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Rivet.
Rivet who?

Are you a pin-and-hanger assembly? Because I'd check on you every two years, and you'd still be the most important connection I have.

Why did the high-strength bolt always win at tug-of-war?

The bridge inspector refused to join the committee. He said he already does enough pier review.

Why does a delaminated bridge deck make a hollow sound?

The inspector and the snooper truck operator wanted to bridge their differences.

The old girder told the inspector it was tired.

Why do bridge inspectors never get lonely?

Why did the bridge inspector bring a small hammer to the bolted connection?

Bridge inspection season has two forecasts: sunny and windy, and sunny and windier.

The lane closure lasts exactly as long as the inspection needs and exactly as long as the permit allows, and the two numbers have never met.

You might be a bridge inspector if...

The inspector found a tiny crack at the end of a weld on the girder. She marked it, photographed it, and radioed the lead. 'How big?' he asked. 'About a quarter inch.' 'Anything to worry about?'

Bolts ring one by one,
one sounds flat. She marks it, smiles:
the hammer was right.

Snooper Truck (n.): A vehicle with an arm that lets the inspector see the underside of the bridge without leaving the road.

Lane Closure (n.): A traffic restriction that gives the inspector eight hours and gives every driver eight opinions.

Ever notice that the wind on a bridge deck is always twice the forecast and aimed directly at your paperwork?

Nobody warns you that the part of the bridge you need to inspect is always directly under the part everyone else is driving on.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Girder.
Girder who?